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ToNC: The Great French Wank

So, uh, I wrote fic o' fic o' Sherlock that ties in just slightly with a whole 'nother fic, and you've been Sherlockception'd. If you haven't read Theory of Narrative Causality yet, what are you doing here the metapost of metafic is here and oh god my head hurts.

Title: The Great French Wank
Fandom: Sherlock
Sub-Fandom: Theory of Narrative Causality
Warning: Sherlock Metafic that is also Fic of Fic ahead. You have been warned.

~~~~~~~~~~

[redacted] posted in fandom_wank,

So everyone and their goldfish in the Sherlock Holmes fandom has heard of the saga of jumperfucker and consulting_detective. Everyone knows consulting_detective's marked tendency to be slightly acidic on his good days, and how he was paired with jumperfucker for the shbigbang. How against all odds they managed to get along, and how jumperfucker miraculously tamed the beast, at least a tiny bit. The drama, the trolls, the wank. Oh god the wank.

(And if you have no idea what I'm going on about, what rock have you been hiding under/what planet are you from?)

But unfortunately it seems that fandom is not done screwing with these BNFs yet. What follows is a summary of what is in various circles being referred to as The Great French Wank, Allons-Wank, French is the Language of Wank, and, most popularly, We'll Always Have Wank. Because really, the wank just doesn't go away.


Act 1: Shipper Frenchman On Deck


In early June, RPF of jumperfucker and consulting_detective appears on holmeschat. Normally, this is absolutely nothing to bat an eye at. jumperfucker and consulting_detective are constantly plagued by RPF of themselves, to the point where frankly I wouldn't be surprised if mod my_croft has an army of anons filling out form letters about a Code 6 on Thread 52-B. However, this RPF was different. This RPF was in French.

Let me say that again, because it bears repeating. Anonymous troll RPF about BNFs in French. my_croft issued this smackdown:
 
my_croft
As well-written as this is, especially when compared to the usual RPF drivel we get around here, I must inform you that, despite appearances, we do actually ban RPF here. Freezing this thread, don't do it again.
 
A new thread is started, presumably by the same person who wrote the RPF. In it, they politely thank my_croft for their time and the compliment, and inform him that no, they do not plan on stopping. Nonnies flail, consulting_detective makes a long, roundabout comment that no one can understand, much confusion is had, and jumperfucker tells consulting_detective not to encourage the RPFer. Some people wonder why the user dubbed 'Frenchonymous' only posts RPF in French and otherwise uses English. And a few nonnies who don't know a lick of French hang out in their own little corner of the universe wondering what all the fuss is about.

Then in late June the French RPFs abruptly stop and 'Frenchonymous' vanishes. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, assure each other that it's all over, and secretly look over their shoulders in fear of more wank.
 
 
Act 2: Enter frenchfriend
 

Now obviously in such a charged climate anything French-related is automatically regarded with at least a little bit of suspicion. It could almost be compared to the Cold War, with everyone building wank shelters in fear of atomic wank and looking over their shoulders for French Commuwanks... and perhaps that is as far as I should be going with that metaphor. Anyway, this is clearly not the best time for someone with a username like, say, frenchfriend to enter the fandom.

And thus, enter frenchfriend. frenchfriend starts out by making an introductory post on holmeschat, arguably the largest Commuwank cell on this side of the Wank Curtain, and I swear I'm done killing this metaphor, honest. He introduces himself as a French ficcer recently involved in the Sherlock Holmes fandom, having decided that he needs to spread the light about Arsène Lupin, Gentleman Burglar and Much Awesomer Than Thou.

holmeschat, predictably, explodes. frenchfriend is accused of, among other things, being 'Frenchonymous', a troll, and just a general ass akin to consulting_detective . One particularly creative nonnie takes the troll accusation and runs with it, suggesting that frenchfriend is instead an elf, and starts a trend. let_us_trade welcomes frenchfriend, subtly slipping in a notice that RPF is not allowed. jumperfucker comments under that, telling frenchfriend to just ignore the trolls under the cut. salts_theway compares frenchfriend to the_professor, and no one reacts kindly to that. jumperfucker makes a comment that isn't quite defending frenchfriend, but still telling salts_theway to back off for the time being. Small-time ficcer queen_of_nyc defends frenchfriend from the attackers. frenchfriend's response to this can only be described as 'sexting' and queen_of_nyc flounders before disappearing from the thread. andres_son accuses queen_of_nyc of being a sockpuppet of frenchfriendw_harry responds that, while queen_of_nyc may not be particularly well known, has andres_son seen how much fic he's written? Rather more than your average sockpuppet. andres_son apparently goes off and reads the fic, as that particular thread devolves into a heated argument over the various merits and/or lack thereof of said fic. Then consulting_detective finally makes an appearance in which he tells everyone to shut the fuck up, queen_of_nyc is obviously not a sockpuppet of frenchfriend, if anything it'd be the other way around, but that doesn't even matter you're all behaving like children, blah blah blah insult insult insult. my_croft then freezes commenting on the entire post.

queen_of_nyc posts on his journal that, if nothing else, it's been great publicity for his fics. This goes largely ignored by everyone except frenchfriend, and a comment thread involving mundane things and lots of UST follow.
 

Act 3: The Cold Wank Begins In Earnest


Shortly after that clusterfuck ended, frenchfriend posted his first fic. While there are a few honest opinions given, for the most part it gets trolled to death. Apparently frenchfriend then wrote about his frustrations in a private message to queen_of_nyc, who then posted on holmeschat telling everyone to back the hell off. Trolling occurs, and the fact that queen_of_nyc always seems so quick to defend frenchfriend does not go unnoticed. One nonnie brings up what consulting_detective pointed out about how if anything frenchfriend is a sockpuppet of queen_of_nyc and speculates that it's all an attention grab by queen_of_nyclet_us_trade issues a moderator smackdown stating that there are plenty of easier ways to get attention, orders the trolls to stop bothering frenchfriend and queen_of_nyc, and freezes comments.

queen_of_nyc quietly resigns from holmeschat and posts this to his journal:

crime solving royalty (queen_of_nyc) wrote,

Dear holmeschat,

SHUT.
THE.
FUCK.
UP.
AND.
GO.
DIE.
IN.
A.
FIRE.


Thank you and sincerely, queen_of_nyc.
 
miss_toby comments, trying to console queen_of_nyc and convince them to come back. It doesn't work, queen_of_nyc stating that they needed to focus more on RL anyway.

If frenchfriend didn't have it in for the Sherlock Holmes fandom before, he certainly did now. His second fanfic consisted entirely of all the characters being subject to the most extreme Murphy's Law imaginable and having ridiculously shitty days. The trolls mostly stay quiet this time and the event passes without incidence, possibly because of this thread on frenchfriend's journal:

queen_of_nyc
God, don't you wish you could do this to those thrice-blasted trolls?

frenchfriend
*GRIN*

queen_of_nyc
A, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

frenchfriend
Considering your last post, I'm guessing there's very little you wouldn't do right now.

queen_of_nyc
Actually...

You're right. Get them.

frenchfriend
Right away, my queen.
 
 
Act 4: The Clash Of frenchfriend And consulting_detective


Tensions remain high, but nothing new explodes until early August, when a post is made discussing BBC's Sherlock series. frenchfriend immediately makes a long comment detailing everything he doesn't like about the series and how he would improve it in a rather mocking way. Then consulting_detective shows up with a rather passive-aggressive retort. frenchfriend responds in mocking kind, and the nonnies grab popcorn. Highlights here, here, here, and most definitely here, and the cat macros begin here, but the whole thing is recommended reading really. The argument runs long and hard, and after a little bit of debate the anons come to the conclusion that frenchfriend was the winner.

This does not please consulting_detective at all. He promptly picks frenchfriend's first fic apart bit by bit. frenchfriend responds in kind on one of consulting_detective's fanarts, and also loads more cats into his macro cannon. The nonnies grab more popcorn and start placing bets. Unfortunately consulting_detective had a lot more fanart up than frenchfriend had fic, so he ran out pretty quickly and had to resort to seething at frenchfriend every chance he got.

This continued all the way into September, whereupon one anon made the mistake of commenting that consulting_detective and frenchfriend had all but declared war on each other. consulting_detective is quick to rectify this. frenchfriend responds with his weapon of choice, cat macros, lots and lots of cat macros. jumperfucker, who up until now had simply rolled his eyes at his boyfriend's antics, responded WTF. The mods, who had been busy stocking their wank shelter, made a post reminding everyone to keep it civil. frenchfriend commented, saying that it was all just fun and games. consulting_detective seethed some more, obviously disagreeing. Then another stupid anon, possibly the same one, pointed out that the relationship between consulting_detective and frenchfriend involved remarkable amounts of foe yay.

Given that this is holmeschat we're talking about, RPF happened almost immediately. Once speculation on whether or not jumperfucker was jealous occurred, it became threesome RPF. The someone reminded everyone about queen_of_nyc, and... well, let's just say it's a good thing that my_croft intervened right about then.

frenchfriend, possibly realizing how completely out-of-hand this had gotten, made a post on his journal offering peace (via cat macro). jumperfucker accepted on behalf of consulting_detective who continued to seethe in his own little corner of the internet, and things calmed down a bit once again. Now let's just all cross our fingers and hope it stays that way.

ETA: Apparently frenchfriend has something against a lack of wank, as he's just posted a tell-all on his journal where he claims to indeed be 'Frenchonymous', though he denies being either a sockpuppet or the puppetmaster of queen_of_nyc. He also claims to know consulting_detective in RL.

ETA DEUX: jumperfucker posted this on his journal:

“Has anyone else seen this post from frenchfriend? S took one look at it and went sorta pale then took off, and I think the possibility that they know each other and that frenchfriend isn't lying is there. I'll have to ask him when he gets back.”

holmeschat has gone to hell in a handbasket over this, and the anons are flinging theories left and right. The most popular seems to be that frenchfriend is yet another old flame of consulting_detective's along with lass_sirene. We have yet to see either frenchfriend, consulting_detective, or jumperfucker weigh in on this though.

ETA OF DOOM: What do you suppose the odds are of two individuals who had previously been at literal war with each other being paired up for shbigbang? Cover your heads everyone, this could get wanky...

Comments

( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
falling_voices
Jun. 12th, 2011 02:25 pm (UTC)
i am sort of writing this comment as i read jsyk
YOU WROTE ARSENE LUPIN FIC OF TONC. I LOVE YOU, YOU MAD, BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

(This is made even more insane by the fact that I'm currently reading Arsene Lupin against Herlock Sholmes, y/y. Not just me, then.)

Kat, you're utterly mad. AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT ELLERY. KAT. DID YOU JUST MAKE OUR TWO TIMELINES CONVERGE. fkaldkadl,daldal,slas,a this is amazing. Also, loads more cats into his macro cannon is possibly the best thing in the world of ever. Just, ah. Just saying.

And then shbigbang oh my fucking god. Arsene, love, you are the most amazing, and oh god now I want to create that account. Kat, you win all the internets. ALL OF THEM. ♥♥♥
katty008
Jun. 12th, 2011 06:28 pm (UTC)
Re: i am sort of writing this comment as i read jsyk
IT WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO BE ALL ABOUT CONSULTING_DETECTIVE, JUMPERFUCKER, AND FRENCHFRIEND, BUT THEN IT WASN'T AND ELLERY WAS ALL "ME TOO ME TOO" AND JUMPERFUCKER WAS ALL "I AM BUSY AND WILL NOT TAKE MUCH PART" AND SO I WAS ALL "FINE, CAT MACROS!" Because in metaland, Arsene totally delivers his notices via cat macro.

YES I AM COMPLETELY INSANE, WHAT DID I JUST WRITE? FIC O' METAFIC AND METAFIC O' FIC ALL AT THE SAME TIME WHAT my head asplode.
jumperfkr
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:03 pm (UTC)
JFC this fandom. One week. Just one week without wank, please. That's all I ask.
w_harry
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:06 pm (UTC)
Not very likely with this fandom, is it?
jumperfkr
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:07 pm (UTC)
No. Remember when HC used to be fun? D:
w_harry
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:10 pm (UTC)
We could always make it fun again. :P
jumperfkr
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:11 pm (UTC)
I have no idea what you're talking about, and whatever it is, it's a bit scary.


I'm in.
w_harry
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:12 pm (UTC)
I knew you would be.
my_croft
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:27 pm (UTC)
Just remember to keep it civil, kids.

Please.
salts_theway
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:41 pm (UTC)
I've got nothing else to do. Damn flat is taunting me, now.
my_croft
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:46 pm (UTC)
Civil, Sally. Not that much to ask. Plus you wouldn't want to get banned.
salts_theway
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:49 pm (UTC)
I never said it wouldn't be civil, M.
my_croft
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:53 pm (UTC)
I never said you did.
w_harry
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:56 pm (UTC)
Get a room already!
salts_theway
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:57 pm (UTC)
With him? Never.
jumperfkr
Jun. 13th, 2011 05:59 pm (UTC)
GDI, Harry. Is Clara holding out on you or something? You've managed to turn everything sexual today.
w_harry
Jun. 13th, 2011 06:00 pm (UTC)
Do you know me so poorly, o brother mine?
jumperfkr
Jun. 13th, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC)
No, just trying to find an excuse, I guess.

In vain.



I really should know better by now.
w_harry
Jun. 13th, 2011 06:02 pm (UTC)
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
jumperfkr
Jun. 13th, 2011 06:03 pm (UTC)
salts_theway
Jun. 13th, 2011 06:30 pm (UTC)
Yet you never said I didn't.
illereyn
May. 28th, 2012 01:21 pm (UTC)
You made a meta-fic-of-meta-fic version of The Great Game! I am so imipressed (and also laughing my head off)!
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )

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